If I believed in ghosts,
Then I’d talk all night about ghosts
And I’d speak at length at parties
About all the stuff I’d heard about ghosts
And I’d be really upset that people I didn’t know
Weren’t taking me more seriously.
But I don’t believe in ghosts
And you’re boring my guests
And I agree with these nice people here
Who think you’re ridiculous
Because if ghosts were real
Then how come my grandmother hasn’t been in touch?
She had unfinished business
And she loved me, she loved me so much.
Now you’re telling me about ghosts
Like you’re talking about your past
And I’m thinking of my family
And the ones that didn’t last
And now we’re both pretty upset
And I wonder if you live your whole life this way.
Now if the myth of ghosts were true
They’d definitely be on youtube
And there’d be this whole giant ghost industry
And they’d be marketed relentlessly
And they’d be mercilessly monetized
Just like everything else magical in this world.
If I ever met a ghost I’d do exactly what it said
And I’d go hang out in a graveyard
And I’d talk to my dead friend
And I’d perpetuate a tragic cycle of violence
All for the sake of revenge.
If I get to be a ghost
I’ll make some faces in your toast
And I’ll play pranks on all your enemies
But of course respect your privacy
But if you’re along one night and a painting falls off a wall?
That’s how you’ll know I’m there with you.
If I believed in ghosts
Then I’d sing all night about ghosts
But I only believe in metaphorical ghosts
So I’ll keep this one pretty short
And the moral of the story
Is to not get drunk and talk too much at parties where you don’t know the hosts.